"Don't be a dick." 💜 Common-sense etiquette for writers: Part 2
Inspired by the tactless words of a fellow writer
Hey, romance lover! 💜
Today’s post is the second in a two-part series about writers’ etiquette, a topic inspired by the tactless words of a fellow writer.
Last week, I shared an email I received from a subscriber — we’re calling her Callie. In it, she responded to an announcement I’d made that I’d finally finished a manuscript I’d been working on for 12 years. I expressed my excitement that the manuscript was currently on submission and went on to talk about other things.
But Callie had some things to say about my 12-year manuscript. You can read the entire email in last week’s post, “Don’t be a dick.” 💜 Common-sense etiquette for writers: Part 1.
To recap, some of my favourite comments were:
You're a book coach? And it's taken you 12 years to write a book? Just double checking that I read that correctly.
Maybe I should be your book coach. 😆
Hope you have a wonderful day! And I hope you have some "bites" [to the submissions I’d sent out].
I actually finished my first draft in 7 weeks and finished the entire book in less than a year. So, I guess I don't need a book coach anymore.
Over the course of reading Callie’s succinct email, I went from shock to disbelief, from anger to amusement. Her audacity was not to be believed, which is why I felt I should share her words and the impact they had on me in an effort to communicate a Very Important Lesson every writer needs to learn — although most (but not all, it seems) know it instinctively already.
And that is, don’t be a dick.
Words have power. They can heal. They can hurt. They can start goddamn wars. So when you are communicating with fellow writers, readers, publishers, agents, human beings (!) … think about the impact your words can have on the recipient.
As writers, we often critique the work of our fellow word enthusiasts. Putting thought and effort into how we deliver that feedback is paramount. If I had a dollar for every time a writer has come to me with some horror story about the harsh blows dealt to them by other creators … well, let’s face it, I wouldn’t be rich, but I’d at least have enough to fund my Netflix subscription for a month.
Have a critique horror-story experience of your own? Share it in the comments so other writers know they’re not alone. 💜
Unsure how to give constructive feedback? Click the button below to download a free tip sheet, which you are more than welcome to share with your writing group or critique partner.
Callie, though, had messed with the wrong book coach. With a dozen years of giving and receiving feedback up my sleeve, I’ve developed a rather thick skin. I’m a bonafide crocodile. And besides, such carelessness and tactlessness couldn’t go unanswered. Callie needed to be taught a lesson lest she deliver such comments to a poor, unsuspecting, delicate newbie.
And so I hit reply and began writing.
Below, I share a passage from my response to Callie, because I believe there are some other important lessons here for writers to learn — aside from always conducting yourself with kindness and compassion. Namely:
There is no one way to write a book.
It doesn’t matter how long it takes to finish a manuscript — all that matters, IF you believe in the story, is that you persevere until you reach The End.
Don’t let others’ opinions bring you down. You are your story’s own creator, and just because one person’s processes worked for them, it doesn’t mean they’ll work for you or your story.
Here are my words to Callie:
Congratulations, Callie, on writing your first draft in seven weeks — that’s impressive. I understand the rush that comes with writing a story that just seems to flow. I once completed a 60k-word manuscript in just 19 days. I was really proud of that accomplishment. But the thing is, that story had no soul. That’s the thing, some stories, good stories, can’t be rushed. Sometimes they need to percolate and be nurtured until they’re ready to be told.
Which is exactly the case for my twelve-year manuscript. It’s been my passion project, the story I’ve put my heart and soul into. And don’t worry, I definitely know that my finally finishing it is amazing. It’s goddamn phenomenal!
Now, I will admit that in the rest of my response to Callie, I made some fairly obvious insinuations that I believed her to be arrogant and self-important. And all credit to her, at that point, she did not hesitate to apologise, humbly and sincerely, for the way her words had been perceived. Her intent, apparently, had been to encourage me, as she believed I lacked confidence in my story. She admitted she hadn’t re-read over her message before sending it, and when she did — after learning I’d taken offence — she cringed at the way it sounded.
Take heed, romance lover — Callie didn’t know me or my pain points, and I didn’t know her or understand the context behind her words. Her attempts at humour and cleverness missed their mark and that is how easily a person’s comments can be misconstrued.
I responded once more, accepting her apology and offering one of my own — for my thinly veiled insinuations — and assured her that I now understood there was no malice or ill intent behind her words.
We both chalked it up to a learning experience, and I share it with you now, with Callie’s knowledge, in the hope that other writers can learn the power of the written word and the importance of communicating with compassion and humility. Always.
May the words flow freely and abundantly. xx
I joined Romance Writers of Australia in 2018 and had never received feedback on my original writing before so I had a lot to learn - but I had written a novel so was excited to pitch it - it obviously needed work (the wonderful Cate Cuthbert who was commissioning editor at Escape at the time gave me some pointers and so I went back to work on it.)
The following year in 2019 I rewrote it and an editor friend look over it, but she was American, and I needed someone with Australian story experience. Someone within the aspiring community was also an editor so I sent some sample chapters off to her, enthusiastically awaiting reply. What she sent back was more than devastating. First she said 'I can't ethically take your money because it needs so much work' - okay that first part was a downer but hey fair enough - the rest though - she basically gave me a rewrite it, told me I had aspects of farm life wrong, that my history was wrong (I'm a scientist by profession and I know how to research) she then said I needed to write more like *insert numerous lofty literary Australian figures* (But I'm aspiring to write commercial fiction?) There were a number of things that read more like insults rather than editorial comment and I felt like I was being talked down to like a errant pupil who didn't know basic grammar.
What happened then? I stopped writing. Then another aspiring writer friend contacted me and said that this person had done the same to them and had actively discouraged someone else too, to the point where that person had quit writing altogether. Fortunately, I persevered, I went back and made my story stronger, received awesome editorial feedback and critique from others that didn't insult my intelligence, my research methods or my writer voice but instead gave me a strong technical foundation that helped strengthen my stories and improve my writing overall. Since then, I have also been published several times - both trad and self-published so I would say, yes feedback is important, and learning to not take it personally is also a skill but once you're past that, a good critique is enlightening, inspiring and makes you excited to edit your work to make it the best it can be!